


"We were friends then, what happened?" - "Nothing."

by Resa_Saso



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-02-14 22:55:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13017909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Resa_Saso/pseuds/Resa_Saso
Summary: Faculty Dance had Laser Slugs, Stag Night left him tied up in a cupboard and let's not even talk about his wedding. The one thing all of these events had in common, however, was Koschei.





	1. Faculty Dance

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is inspired by a beautiful cut out scene between Missy & the Doctor from The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar. I'll quote it down here.

_"Tied up and locked in a cupboard. It's like your wedding all over again."_  
_"That wasn't my wedding, that was my stag night."_  
 _"No, hang on, wasn't it the faculty dance?"_  
 _"No, that was the laser slugs."_  
 _"Of course, yes, the slugs."_  
 _"We were friends then. What happened?"_  
 _"Nothing."_

 

 

“Oh come on!” Koschei urged him, his green eyes wide open and a weird puppy expression on, which didn’t seem to belong on this face at all.  
  
Theta raised an eyebrow.  
  
“You promised!” Koschei reminded him, noticing the puppy face didn’t seem to work and replacing it with a smug smirk, seemingly thinking this is how he’d win. “You promised to spend the stupid dance with me, indoors, making experiments like the antisocial, rebellious Time Lords that we are!”  
  
“It’s just a dance, Kosch.”  
  
“It’s a dance you promised to not-go-to with me!”  
  
“Okay, okay,” Theta replied with a sigh and his hand in his hair made Koschei realise he wouldn’t stay with him, no matter how hard he tried. He was ashamed, but he was going. “I know, it’s true, I did. But it’s just an evening, Kosch, I can not-go with you every other day!”  
  
Koschei snorted. “No you can’t. There’s nothing to not-go-to every other day.”  
  
“Seriously?” Theta gave back tonelessly. “Why is it so important to you?”  
  
“Because you _promised_!” he shot back. “I could’ve gotten myself a date, but I didn’t, because I thought we were going to spend the night together, now I’m alone and you’re having fun with some obscene, useless damsel who is just looking for _anyone_ to go with.”  
  
He knew he had said something wrong the second he shut his mouth. He went through the words in his head, trying to figure out what exactly he had said, but stopped midway when he saw Theta’s face, now cold with rage.  
  
“I… obviously didn’t mean… that doesn’t mean nobody wants to go with you, you’re great to go with, or not to go with, really, it’s just…”  
  
“I like her,” Theta said, tone awfully constricted and as cold as a solar eclipse. “Her name is Ronya. Not ‘Damsel’ not ‘useless’. Ronya. Good night.”  
  
Koschei sighed when his roommate opened the door and left. His blond friend was practically fuming. Best not to run after him in this mood, especially since Koschei wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t make it worse while trying to smooth things down. He had an exceptional talent for this sort of thing.  
  
Grimly, he stepped to the window, looking down. The Academy’s professors had been out on the grounds all day, decorating trees with all sorts of redundant light chains, candles, lanterns and garlands. It looked like a shabby copy of everything the universe was holding in store for them, like everything the Time Lords were so carefully restraining them from. All he wanted to do, all he had wanted since he met Theta the first time, was grab the boy by his hand and show him real beauty, discover it alongside his best friend.  
  
Instead, he was stuck in this boring dump, constantly craving for something more.  
  
Something more had just gone out the door, Koschei realised in a rather inefficient attempt to drown out his anger.  
  
Fine, he thought. Fine. Theta wanted to spend his night with _Ronya_? Well then, Koschei was going to make sure he was never going to forget this one.  
  
“Don’t want you to be a promise breaker,” the muttered darkly while making his way to his own little laboratory. Had someone met him, they would’ve known in an instant he was up to nothing good. Luckily – for them, he thought – no one was in the building anymore. They were all having a great time underneath the sinking suns of Gallifrey, dancing and chatting redundant small talk.  
  
They didn’t want him to be part of it?  
  
Well, they’d see about this.  
  
  
  
Dances were stupid. Ronya was stupid, too, but he wouldn’t say that out loud anymore. Theta wasn’t stupid, but he held an unhealthy fascination for everything that was.  
  
Though Koschei had to admit, he looked beautiful like this, spinning her around, drained in the colours of all the different lights around him. There was something on his face, Koschei hadn’t seen that often. Bliss, he thought. Being lost in the music, in his movements, in this woman, it seemed to make him happier than the usual grey daily life of Academy.  
  
Well, he couldn’t have that, could he? A high would only cause inevitable deeps when the bleak school days weren’t able to catch up with this. He was just protecting Theta, obviously.  
  
And showing the arrogant, miserable prick what he deserved from treating him like this.  
  
Nobody seemed to have noticed him. There he stood, in the shadows, like he was part of them, a neat silver box in his hands, a smug smirk playing on his lips.  
  
And with a last, resentful look to Theta, he let both drop.  
  
The box fell to the ground and the lid sprang open the second Theta whirled Ronya around one more time. Koschei held his breath, waiting for something beautifully chaotic to unravel, but the first few minutes, it seemed he would either run out of air or die of boredom. Well, what was he expecting, from bringing _slugs_? He kicked the box, trying to speed things up and suddenly, before his foot was even back on the ground, a flash lit up the jolly night. Koschei jumped back, just in time to get out of the way of another laser directed exactly at the mean Time Lord hitting the slug’s home.  
  
People were shouting something and curiously stepping nearer. The ridiculous dancing had finally stopped and Koschei honestly didn’t know why his professors had these serious faces on rather than just looking relieved the party had ended.  
  
Laughingly avoiding another laser that got shot into the crowd, he looked out for Theta. There he stood, left by his little girlfriend who had queued herself into the curious crowd, looking rather adorable with this mixed look of incredulous confusion and exasperation.  
  
Koschei smiled. In the haze of it, he almost got hit by another laser. Shrieking, he jumped to the side and frantically felt for his hair. He could’ve sworn he had felt the laser tickle his peaks.  
  
That’s when he saw Theta laugh.  
  
His hands still buried inside his hair, he threw him a raging glare. Everywhere around them, people were coming closer and pointing at the slugs, but Theta still stood where Ronya had left him, looking at him and laughing.  
  
He didn’t notice Borusa until he was standing right next to him.  
  
“What are those?” he asked, his voice almost toneless in resignation.  
  
Koschei tried to supress a chuckle.  
  
“Just some slugs I found on the grounds, Professor,” he answered with the most innocent expression he could manage. “Why, is something wrong?”  
  
A laser almost hit a girl next to them, made her cry out in surprise and run to the end of the crowd to hide behind her partner.  
  
The teacher sighed in obvious annoyance.  
  
“Theta Sigma! Get here!”  
  
 Still giggling, the blond boy stepped towards them, carefully avoiding every laser the slugs shot his way.  
  
“You think this is funny?” Borusa spat.  
  
Chewing on his lips, clearly trying his best not to laugh out loud, Theta pressed out a “No, Sir.”  
  
Borusa stared at them in turns, his crossest teacher face on, then sighed.  
  
“Clean up this mess while I take the students back in. If these slugs aren’t confined and out of my sight by dawn, you will have to face the consequences.”  
  
“Sir?” Theta asked, clearly in disbelief. “I… I had nothing to do with this, why do I…?”  
  
“Oh please!” Borusa burst out. “Of course you have. It’s always you two, isn’t it? Clean it up. _Now_!”  
  
Mouth wide open, Theta watched their teacher until he was gone, the lead of a gradually shrinking procession of students back into the school.  
  
“I can’t believe you,” he finally said, once it became clear that no one would jump out of the (burning) bushes and tell him it was all a big joke. A laser lazily enkindled a tree behind them.  
  
“Laser slugs? Really?”  
  
Koschei hadn’t stopped laughing for quite some while, but brought out a gasped “We wanted to experiment”, for Theta’s sake.  
  
“So you went and experimented on _slugs_?” Theta shouted.  
  
Another laser shot at the sky, hitting one of the light chains and letting it fall to the ground.  
  
“Oh come on,” Koschei laughed. Tears were welling in his eyes. “They’re not even aiming.”  
  
“Of course they’re not aiming, they’re _slugs_!”  
  
“Well, I wanted to do something equally boring as you.”  
  
In that second, one of the snakes accidently shot a laser on another. With a loud splashing sound, the slug exploded. Before any of the boys could react, they were both covered in sticky, stinking slug slime.  
  
Koschei spat it out of his mouth as well as he could, then peered over to Theta, sure this would at least get him a week of getting freezed out.  
  
 To his surprise – and a little bit of relief, not that he’d ever admit it – Theta had started to laugh. It was a quiet, stumbling sound, growing louder with each second, until it roared over him like rain. Koschei couldn’t help it, all covered in slug slime, he joined his best friend in laughter.  
  
  
They spent all night trying to collect the snakes. Every time Koschei tried to take them back to their box, the bloody beasts shot another hurtful laser. For some reason, they seemed to like Theta better and he wondered if it actually had something to do with him kicking their box.  
  
Were slugs resentful?  
  
Theta however enjoyed his time on the side-lines, watching him struggle for as long as he seemed fit and with a grumble to himself – because he would never do so in earshot of Theta – he admitted, he might deserve it.  
  
  
  
Showering was a blessing. Koschei almost spent an hour underneath the steaming stream. It only took half of the time to clean himself from the sticky slime, but hearing Theta knocking on the door repeatedly, telling him to hurry up because he could feel the slime getting hard, was worth the time.  
  
Finally, with nothing on but a smirk and a towel, he stepped back.  
  
“All yours,” he proclaimed.  
  
Theta stared at him with gleaming eyes, then smiled cruelly.  
  
Koschei secretly admired this smile of his. Even more so now, while he was trying to push away the urging feeling that he was in trouble.  
  
“Let’s dance,” Theta put on his most innocent face, tone calculating and piercing. “That’s what you really wanted, right? Dancing? With me?”  
  
Koschei tried to back away, but found himself trapped between a wall and Theta. With an apologetic shrug, he tried to wind his way out of the situation.  
  
“I… I’d really rather not,” he suggested, but Theta wouldn’t have that. With sticky fingers, he grabbed Koscheis waist and drew him close. Too close.  
  
Laughing, he began moving, watching his friend to try and get as much distance between them as possible. The second Koschei had untangled himself, he smeared his hand through a nasty bit of slime and smeared it on his unprotected back.  
  
Koschei shrieked and jumped away from him and Theta used his surprise to slip into the bathroom and lock the door behind him.  
  
He snorted, hearing his friend’s laugh through the door.  
  
  
With a grin, Koschei lay down in Theta’s bed.


	2. Stag Night

 

 __Tied up and locked in a cupboard. It's like your wedding all over again."_   
_"That wasn't my wedding, that was my stag night."_   
_"No, hang on, wasn't it the faculty dance?"_   
_"No, that was the laser slugs."_   
_"Of course, yes, the slugs."_   
_"We were friends then. What happened?"__   
"Nothing." 

 

 

 

 

**Stag Night**

 

Ironically, Koschei had to agree this hadn't been the best of his plans. He didn't mention so in front of Theta, because what was the point, anyway? He had the sinking feeling that his friend noticed that on his own.  
  
Not that he was able to comment on it, since he was all tied up, gagged with a piece of fabric and lying on the floor of a very small cupboard.  
  
Koschei frowned.  
  
“Ehm. Will you hit me if I untie you?“  
  
The look Theta threw him wasn't even a dark glare anymore. It was a death stare.  
  
“I mean, you didn't invite me, that was rather unfair.“  
  
“Mmmmmph!“ was the enraged answer, and Koschei was actually happy he couldn't understand what his tied up friend was saying.  
  
Maybe this was, in fact, a good opportunity to say what he had to say, without being interrupted by one of Theta's never ending floods of words.  
  
“I would've come, you know. I might not like her much and I'm utterly convinced she's not the right one for you, but I would've come. Our friendship used to mean something to me and... oh by Rassilon, you can't even shut up while you're gagged, can you?“ he added when he heard Theta's muffled words through the gag. He even heard him mumble “Koschei“ once or twice. He also believed he heard the word “idiot,“ and highly hoped he misheard. For Theta.  
  
“It's your wedding after all. And seriously, I wouldn't have had to spoil it if you'd just asked me to come. So. Live with it.“  
  
Theta wouldn't shut up. With a roll of his eyes, Koschei guessed his concern.  
  
“She'll be fine, I'm sure. The Judoon I sent think she stole an intergalactic Princess' favourite doll. I mean, they will notice she doesn't have it eventually. And by then, I...“ he smirked a bit. “... I'll have given it back to her.“  
  
Theta still tried to speak and Koschei sighed, before removing the gag. Time to get this over with.  
  
“Koscheiyoubloodyidiotitsnotmyweddingitsmystagnightandwhodoyouthinkyouaresendingjudoonsintowhatyouthinkismyweddingthatsexactlywhyididntinviteyou-”  
  
Koschei put the gag back in.  
  
“I'm doing you a favour,“ he grinned. “I think you forgot how to breathe for a second there.“  
  
Theta rolled his eyes exasperated, but his friend just beamed down at him. He couldn't help it. Despite the rather precarious situation they were in, he realized how much he had missed Theta. The last few months he had spent in some distance to his old friend as he grew closer and closer to his annoying fiancée. Koschei's new position as assistant of the High Council wasn't the most satisfying of careers, but it gave him the possibility to travel a bit- and he had done it, even if more or less reluctant. It wasn't that he wasn't interested, per se ... more that he was less interested than he would've been with Theta by his side, like they once had promised each other.  
  
But at the moment, it seemed his old friend had forgotten all his promises to him, making new ones with that girl of his.  
  
So he hadn't really travelled far. And he hadn't really looked, either. Silently, he swore not to until he was looking with Theta, together.  
  
Suddenly, he heard the door behind them shatter and burst.  
  
He turned around to face three Judoon officers, weapons raised and pointed at his head.  
  
Koschei rolled his eyes. “Honestly, no need to wreck the whole door- it does have handles, you see? No? Eh. What am I expecting from a rhinoceros on two legs, huh? Let me show you!“  
  
The Judoon spoke some syllables that made absolutely no sense for anyone with a brain, but Koschei was still pretty sure that it meant something along the lines of “we know you have the doll and we will vaporize you to get it back, if we have to.“  
  
So he decided to make a run for it. Behind him he heard Theta's muffled shouts, the Judoon's enraged noises, and he ducked just in time to avoid some nasty shots that had been fired at his back.  
  
With a wild laugh, he ran around the corner.  
  
  
  
Theta frowned while getting rid of the last few ropes. They stood in a half-circle in front of him, staring down on him like on a cornered animal (which was ridiculous, given their appearance) and seemed to wait for him to talk.  
  
Well. Why not. He was good at talking, after all.  
  
“I don't know him,“ he started, with a resigned expression. “He's obviously mad. I'd never surround myself with someone like that. You see, I am getting married tomorrow. With someone who doesn't steal princesses dolls.“ He frowned again. “Not that... I'd know anything about that. It's just... ehm... a lot of dolls got stolen from princesses lately. It's all over the papers. Have you heard of princess Leia? Same thing, really.“   
  
He had started to move towards the (vaporized) door while talking, but the Judoon didn't seem to want to fall for the same trick twice and moved to position themselves between him and the exit.  
  
Theta tried a shaky smile.  
  
“I wasn't trying to leave, naturally,“ he tried again, still not gaining any reaction from the Judoon other than wary staring. „Just ehm... helping you. To get the... the mad man... and eh... find my fiancée, maybe?“  
  
His voice got quieter the more they stared down at him. Theta's mind was racing, trying to figure out a way out of it. That was when he saw Koschei appear behind the Judoon, a bright grin on his face and little rag doll in his hands.  
  
Theta nodded imperceptibly, then dived through the Judoon while Koschei made his move from behind, ramming into two of their backs and letting them stumble towards the ground while simultaneously throwing the doll into the air. Together the two boys ran down the hallway, while the three Judoon knocked their heads together, all trying to catch the doll at the same time.  
  
  
  
  
“This is all your fault!“ Theta remarked, out of breath, while running.  
  
Koschei threw him a dark look. “They have the doll back, haven't they? They'll be gone soon and you can marry in peace.“  
  
“In peace?“ Theta replied with a shrill shriek. “Peace? This is what you call peace?“  
  
“Oh come on,“ laughed Koschei. “I'm your best friend, I'm supposed to organise the stag party. And you had fun, had you not?“  
  
_“I was locked up in a cupboard!“_  
  
Koschei grinned. “And now you're being chased by Judoon because you're the bystander to an intergalactic crime! Come on, admit it, it is fun!“  
  
They had found the way out of the mansion, and now ran towards the forests to hide in the safety of some bushes.  
  
Theta gasped.  
  
“I am in no way a bystander to your intergalactic crimes. I'm not involved. At all!“  
  
“Yes you are!“ Koschei replied with fake incredulity. “You didn't invite me to your wedding!“ With a quick jump, they threw themselves into the next bush.  
  
“Because I knew you'd ruin it, you unbelievable twat!“  
  
Koschei couldn't help it; he started to laugh uncontrollably. Only when tears had started streaming down his face and his chest hurt from all the exertion, he began to realize that Theta was laughing with him.  
  
“What do you think?“ Koschei whispered after a while. “How long until they give up and leave with the doll?“  
  
“I don't know,“ Theta replied with wide eyes. “I heard they once blew up a whole planet just to catch a criminal.“  
  
Koschei's eyes gleamed. “Oh, that'd be fun!“  
  
With a shake of his head, Theta laughed. “You're really incorrigible.“  
  
His reply was a gentle nudge with an elbow. “Yeah well, so are you.“  
  
Smiling, Theta repositioned himself with his head on his friend's chest. Leaves rustled all around them, some birds sang their song, but everything seemed to be quiet and peaceful. He was fairly sure the Judoon had left as soon as they had regained the poor girl's doll.  
  
“You know...“ he said with a yawn. “I'm fairly sure they'll search all day. We should really stay hidden for the next few hours.“  
  
“Hmm...“ Koschei hummed, perfectly capable of seeing through his lie and ignoring it anyway, one hand buried in Theta's blond hair contently.  
  
“Aren't you going to ask?“ Theta wanted to know after a while of silently lying cuddled together.  
  
Koschei shrugged softly, giving him a wry smile.  
  
“Thete, can I come to your wedding?“ he asked in his most pleasant voice.  
  
Theta laughed and rolled his eyes.  
  
“Of course you can,“ he finally declared, not mentioning that it hadn't been the question he was hoping for.

 


End file.
